


I’ll find my way back home

by ffroyo



Category: HOTSHOT (Band), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Canon Compliant, M/M, ageswap, fem!Sungwoon happens, hwangcloud if you squint really hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-13 23:21:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17497283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ffroyo/pseuds/ffroyo
Summary: 3 lifetimes, 2 lost chances, 1 last opportunitya reincarnation au





	I’ll find my way back home

**Author's Note:**

> this is actually a repurposed moon lovers fic I wrote back in 2017 but never published, so sorry if the characters seem OOC at times. some name changes throughout but the initials are always the same.

 

_1876, Hanyang_

 

Euigeon knew he wasn’t supposed to feel this way. Wasn’t supposed to relish those moments when Sungwoon swung his arms around his shoulders when drunk after nights at the gibang. Wasn’t supposed to dwell on those seconds when Sungwoon’s hands brushed against his. Wasn’t supposed to feel his heart flutter yet still contract in pain when Sungwoon declared him to be a “brother forever.” Euigeon wasn’t sure what he felt, but he was sure what he _wasn’t_ supposed to feel.

-

Euigeon knew Sungwoon ever since they were little, but their statuses were vastly different. Sungwoon was the younger master of the region’s lord-in-charge, Lord Ha, and Euigeon was just the son of a villager that lived on the lands.

They met each other when the village kids were playing together by the river, and Euigeon spotted Sungwoon a distance, looking like he wanted to join, yet was too shy, and maybe a little too proud, to join a bunch of village kids. Euigeon ran to Sungwoon, smiled his biggest smile and asked if he wanted to join them.

“I’m Euigeon, my friends call me Geon, would you like to join us? You look like you could use some friends.”

Sungwoon was a little taken aback that this village boy, would actually approach him, but he had never heard such happy, unrestrained laughter in his house and among his playmates. Plus, the village boy gave him such a big smile, the biggest and the warmest he had ever seen. He couldn’t and didn’t want to say no to that smile.

-

Sungwoon was 16 when he realized he felt _something more_ for Euigeon. They were wrestling for a dare, where the winner would buy dinner, but when Euigeon tumbled onto him, his face inches away from Sungwoon’s face, Sungwoon felt the world had stopped. He could see Euigeon’s lashes, the mole under his left eye, and another mole on his cheek, and a third one on his chin, could hear Euigeon’s heavy breathing from all the physical exertion, could feel his body pressing down on his. Then Euigeon pushed himself up from Sungwoon and excitedly declared that he won, that Sungwoon owed him a meal now and he was going to order the finest cut of beef. Sungwoon glanced up to Euigeon and saw that his eyes crinkle up in a line, listened to his laughter that was long and deep when he was really happy, and Sungwoon’s heart skipped a beat.

-

Euigeon thought Sungwoon as his best friend, and he thought he knew everything about Sungwoon. That was until he was 15, when Sungwoon lost to him in a wrestling match and he fell on top of Euigeon. In that moment, no one else existed in the world, just him and Sungwoon. He gazed into Sungwoon’s large eyes, and wondered how could a boy have much large eyes, that seemed to suck him in every time he looked a little too long. He saw Sungwoon’s long lashes that all girls envied, but definitely suited Sungwoon better; his small nose that matched his small face; his lips that was perfectly heart-shaped and full…Euigeon quickly snapped back to reality and pushed himself off Sungwoon. He had just been staring at his best friend’s lips! He declared loudly that Sungwoon owed him a meal now and laughed loudly to diffuse any potential awkwardness he might have felt during that fall, but his heart still thundered on.  

-

Euigeon thought he was content just remaining by Sungwoon’s side as his friend, but when he saw Sungwoon kissing a pretty girl in the backyard, his heart felt like it was breaking into a million pieces. When Sungwoon announced he was getting married to the Hwang household in Jeolla and would be moving to Jeolla after the marriage, Euigeon felt that half of himself just died. He tried so hard to suppress his feelings for Sungwoon, to deny that he felt anything more than friendship, but with the thought of Sungwoon out of reach forever, Euigeon couldn’t deny his feelings anymore. He knew he was supposed to marry a girl in the village, have kids and live comfortably ever after. He wasn’t even supposed to like men, but somehow Sungwoon just felt like his.

When Sungwoon asked Euigeon for one last drink before his marriage, Euigeon felt that he owed it to himself, to see Sungwoon one last time and seal away _whatever he felt_ for good. At the gibang, Sungwoon requested for a private room and raised a toast to Euigeon.

“To Geon-ah, my best friend, my best brother. I don’t know when we will see each again, but this bond will not be broken, even after I’m married. Say, when I come back to visit next time, you better be married!” Sungwoon teased Euigeon.

“Yah hyung stop teasing me! Just because you are getting married first. But, truly congrats on your marriage! Cheers!” Euigeon quickly downed the first bottle of liquor.

“Geon-ah, slow down, you know you are not the strongest drinker.”

Perhaps it was the fact that it was going to be really long before he could see Sungwoon again, or the fact that Sungwoon will officially be out of his reach forever, Euigeon drank more than he never did in his life. When he woke up the next morning, he could only remember Sungwoon’s face hovering above his sometime during the night.

-

Sungwoon had never been so unsure of anything in his life, until the night before his marriage. He had chalked up his nervousness about the wedding to cold feet and moving to a new village. Hwang Minhee was pretty and they seem to get along in the few times they met. However, Sungwoon couldn’t shake the feeling that he was meant for something _more_.

From young, Sungwoon was aware that marriage was something out of his hands. His marriage would be to bolster his family status, to strengthen family ties. Sungwoon counted himself lucky he never built a connection with any girl in the village.

But Euigeon. Ever since that fateful day when he was 16 when he realised he maybe saw Euigeon as more than a little brother. But Sungwoon was afraid, afraid of what his feeling could mean.

Afraid that whatever his feelings meant, they could never materialise.

Tonight, Euigeon seemed a little distant and drank more than he knew he could hold. Then Euigeon had started babbling about unrequited love. Sungwoon didn’t know Euigeon had fancied someone and started asking Euigeon about the girl.

“Girl? I don’t like any girls!” Euigeon swung his arms up in frustration, almost toppling over the table as he swayed.

“Don’t lie to me, you just said you had an unrequited love.” Sungwoon countered.

“Hyung…” Euigeon suddenly grasped the sides of Sungwoon’s face, looking incredibly serious. “Why are you so handsome…you…you are my person.”

Sungwoon stared into Euigeon’s eyes, which seemed to come nearer and nearer. Did he just hear Euigeon calling him “his person”? His mouth went dry at the thought of what it implied.

Just then, Euigeon heaved and quickly shot up and ran out of the room, just in time to throw up over the side of the room into the grass. Sungwoon holds his head as he pukes, and then Euigeon faints. Sungwoon shook his head at his best friend’s drunk state, and attributed what Euigeon said to just alcohol-induced babbling. “C’mon, Euigeon, wake up! You have to go home!”. Sungwoon tried to sober up Euigeon, but he had already fallen asleep, leaving Sungwoon no choice but to carry him home, albeit with great difficulty.

-

The next day, Euigeon stood among the crowd, as he watched Sungwoon get married. He pushes the horrific memory of declaring Sungwoon “his person” when in a drunken stupor last night, and hopes Sungwoon chalked it up to drunken nonsense. He wishes he had the courage to say how he truly felt for Sungwoon, but he was afraid of what Sungwoon would think of him, that he could lose Sungwoon forever if Sungwoon didn’t feel the same.

After the ceremony, Euigeon watches as Sungwoon boards the horse-drawn carriage with his new bride, setting off into his new life.

Somehow, Euigeon catches Sungwoon’s gaze. Sungwoon waves and smiles at him. Euigeon has seen Sungwoon smile a thousand times, but this smile, Euigon thinks, is the most beautiful of them all.

Euigeon’s heart clenches and involuntarily, to his horror, tears fall.

He catches Sungwoon’s shocked expression, through the tiny carriage window as it drove away.

Sungwoon never returns to the village.

 

_1949, Ilsan_

 

“Sungwoon! Wake up! Did you hear? Our school has a new student! I heard he is kind of scary...rumours say he was forced to change schools because he beat someone up?” Jisook chattered away, as Sungwoon slowly took into account what Jisook said.

“Is he in our class?” “Nope, he is a senior.” “Yah! Do I look like I care then?! Don’t wake me up for irrelevant information. I’m so sleepy from studying late last night.” Sungwoon retorted.

After school, Sungwoon went to the school garden. As a member of the school’s gardening club, she was in charge of watering the back garden today. She turned on the sprinkler hose and begun watering the trees. Suddenly, she heard a shout, and a figure sprung up beside the tree.

“Yah! Who poured water on me while I was sleeping?” The figure shouted. Sungwoon took a good look him. He was wearing the schools’ uniform, had a long, lean frame, parts of his hair dyed a shocking light pink that is clearly against the school rules. As Sungwoon had never seen him before, she concluded that this must be the new transfer student.

“Yah! Answer me when I’m talking to you!” he shouted, before walking towards Sungwoon.

_Oh my god, he sounds so scary. Better run!_

Seeing he was quite some distance away, Sungwoon quickly turned off the sprinklers and ran off, counting her luck that he never caught up to her.

-

She occasionally saw him around school, but he was usually alone. Sometimes, she saw him with that tall, handsome senior who was President of the theatre and drama club, sitting by the school lake. She doesn’t know why, but somehow she naturally took notice of him. Like there was some kind of force that draws her to him. Sometimes, she would accidentally catch his eye, but she always hurriedly looked away as he usually gives her a lopsided smirk.

Sungwoon guesses he doesn’t seem to remember her from the watering incident or care, even he did remember. Still, she always wanted to approach him and apologize for that incident, but she always couldn’t bring herself to approach him.

“Jisook, what is that new senior’s name?” Sungwoon asked one day.

“Ehhh I don’t know actually, I never got around finding it out. You find it out.”

Sungwoon never does.

-

“Breaking news: North Korea has crossed the 38th parallel. We are calling all healthy males of age 18 and above to report for military conscription.” Sungwoon was just eating breakfast when she heard the news over the radio. The rice bowl she was holding slipped to the ground and shattered.

When she arrived in school later, the school felt emptier. She realized that all male seniors had to report for military conscription as well.

Her thoughts turned to her male seniors, and then it weirdly settled onto the new transfer student.

_Why am I thinking of him? I don’t even know him..._

-

Three years passed, and the war had ended. The town hall held a war memorial for those who died from the town.

Sungwoon went and paid her respects to those who had sacrificed themselves for their country. As she looked at the commemorative wall of photographs, she spotted on a familiar face.

“Kang Euigeon? After all these years I finally found out his name.” she whispered to herself as she saw the face of the transfer student. Sungwoon was hit by a sudden wave of inexplicable sadness. When she touched her face, she found that her cheeks were already wet.

_Kang Euigeon…with this sadness I’m feeling, I seem to know you. I feel like…I was supposed to know you. But, who are you?_

Sungwoon slides to down floor and cries, her quiet tears turning to great wracking sobs. She is aware of the people around her whispering, staring as if she had gone mad. She wanted to stop crying so badly but the tears kept coming and the huge wave of sadness, the immense sense of loss refused to dissipate.

 

_2017, Seoul_

 

“Hi I'm Kang Daniel, please take care of me!” Sungwoon gets officially introduced to the tall, pink-haired, always-smiling guy when he was upgraded to A-rank. Sungwoon, as the A-class leader, naturally took notice of the newly upgraded trainees more, taking his responsibility as a leader seriously. But he can't help to notice Daniel just a little more.

“Hyung is so small and cute!” were the next words that came out of Daniel's mouth, leaving Sungwoon sputtering and the ends of his ears becoming red.

“Hyung, I can call you hyung right? Please teach me your skills, hyung!” Daniel smiles so brightly at Sungwoon, giving him puppy eyes which Sungwoon can't say no to.

Sungwoon's years in the industry has made him jaded, he knows the amount of hard work and sheer luck to make it, but he sees Daniel and just knows Daniel was meant to become a star.

Sungwoon notices Daniel is clingy, which is surprising for a guy his size. He knows he isn't special when Daniel slips his arm into the crook of Sungwoon's when they greet their fans outside the Produce dorm, but Sungwoon's breath still hitches a little.

By some miracle (Sungwoon knows it's luck; hard work and determination could only bring him so far), Sungwoon jumps 22 ranks to secure a spot in the top 20. Then, when Sungwoon was so sure he was gonna be ranked 12th, just an inch away from 11th, the screen flashes his face. He made it.

They debut in front of thousands of fans and Sungwoon revels in the screams, the adoration, the feeling of finally being acknowledged for his skills and hard work. He'll do anything to make this last. He has to.

-

In Produce, there was no time for feelings. Sungwoon only knew practice, stress and sheer anxiety that he wasn't going to make the cut next round. In Wanna One, Sungwoon relaxes slightly and takes notices of things around him. Things like Daniel is still very clingy to everyone, but Sungwoon isn’t oblivious like everyone thinks. He knows Daniel’s gaze lingers on him a little longer, that Daniel drapes himself over Sungwoon’s tiny body more than other members.

Somedays, Sungwoon catches Daniel’s gaze and he’s just hit with a feeling that they are meant to be.

-

Sungwoon was getting a cup of water when he hears the sounds of the front door keypad being pressed. He sees Daniel walking into the living, collapsing onto the sofa after a long day of shooting at whatever variety he’s filming.

“Hyung, what are you doing up at 3am?”

Sungwoon points to the glass of water he’s holding and takes a seat down beside Daniel.

“God, you stink of soju. How much did you drink?!” Sungwoon wrinkles his nose as Daniel leans slightly towards him.

“I only had one, no almost two bottles? I think? The smell is all from the sunbaenims.” Daniel lays his head fully onto Sungwoon’s shoulder and giggles.

“Go take a shower, Niel-ah.” Sungwoon raises his hand to push Daniel’s head off, but Daniel reaches up and holds his wrist.

Sungwoon turns to Daniel, who had fully sat up and is very slowly crowding into Sungwoon’s personal space, hand still wrapped around Sungwoon’s wrist.

Sungwoon can see the three moles on Daniel’s face, and Sungwoon thinks he wants to trace a path with them.

“Hyung, I really like you.” Daniel whispers before he kisses Sungwoon. The kiss was slow and gentle, just a pressing of their lips together, but Sungwoon’s soul sings. He wasn’t even aware his soul could sing, but that was the exact words Sungwoon would use to describe that moment where everything felt right. Like pieces of a puzzle had finally fallen into place. 

But feeling right doesn’t matter when you’re in an idol group with a 1.5 year expiration date and only that set amount of time for Sungwoon to grasp his dreams. He didn’t practice to the point of exhaustion, didn’t waste all those years in a leaky basement and a tiny room to slip up now because something felt right.

Sungwoon breaks the kiss and gently pushes Daniel away.

“Niel-ah, we can’t, I can’t,” Sungwoon stutters as he sees the realisation settling in Daniel’s face and the immediate hurt.

“Hyung, you don’t understand. You, us, I’ve never felt this way before, like I’ve waited forever for you, for us to happen. It’s like we’re meant to be,” Daniel cups Sungwoon’s face, words urgent as he tries to appeal to Sungwoon.

Sungwoon’s heart clenches so hard, because he knows exactly how Daniel feels, like they have found each other after a long, long time apart, which is ridiculous, Sungwoon thinks, since they only got to know each other this year.

“Let’s just pretend this never happened. Please, Daniel, I beg you.” Sungwoon forces the words through his teeth as he scoots abruptly off the couch and flees into his room.

-

Daniel is a surprisingly good actor because he does pretend that night never happened. At least in front of the cameras. He still teases Sungwoon for being small, occasionally slings an arm over Sungwoon’s shoulders and forces Sungwoon to do aegyo.

Once the cameras are off, however, Daniel turns cold. In a group of 11 people, it was easy to avoid each other, but Sungwoon wanted their relationship to be normal. Daniel thinks otherwise; he keeps conversations with Sungwoon short, doesn’t look Sungwoon in the face and occupies himself with something or someone else whenever Sungwoon is near. Sungwoon thinks Daniel doesn’t even need to try that hard since Daniel is almost never in the dorm anyway.

Sometimes, Sungwoon still catches Daniel’s eyes, and the look of sadness and hurt forces Sungwoon to look away.

-

It takes Daniel to fall severely ill for Sungwoon to change his mind.  

That day, Daniel had been complaining about feeling a little dizzy, but he just chalked it up to maybe not eating dinner yet. However, the moment Daniel stood up from the dining table, he collapsed.

Jinyoung and Guanlin, who were sitting nearest to Daniel rushed to Daniel’s side, while the maknaes crowded around in horror.

“Yah, don’t crowd him! He needs to breathe!” Sungwoon’s loud voice cuts through the murmurs, as Jaehwan, Seongwoo and Minhyun moved Daniel to the couch. 

“He’s burning up,” Seongwoo gasps as he touches Daniel’s forehead. Jisung was calling their manager, Daehwi hurried forward with an ice pack, while Jihoon and Woojin rushed into Daniel’s room pack his belongings.

Sungwoon stayed at the fringes, trembling slightly.

After the manager came and they managed to get Daniel onto a taxi to the hospital, Minhyun notices Sungwoon is still trembling slightly, his face deathly pale.

“Hyung, are you okay? Are you sick too?” Minhyun asks.

“No, no, I’m fine. I’m just shocked,” Sungwoon lies through his teeth. He’s not shocked, he’s terrified out of his wits. The moment Daniel collapsed, Sungwoon was gripped with a fear of losing Daniel, a feeling so acute Sungwoon couldn’t even figure how it came about.

-

Daniel comes back from the hospital after 1 day and 1 night. Turns out he had collapsed from exhaustion and ran up a high fever, causing his dizziness.

Daniel looks a little haggard but he insists he’s fine and perfectly okay to attend the fanmeeting next day. Both Jisung and their manager tries to talk him out of it, but Daniel is stupidly stubborn. The members shoot Daniel’s worried looks throughout the fanmeeting but Sungwoon doesn’t even look at Daniel.

Sungwoon is furious. He’s furious at himself for not noticing, at others for not noticing, for Daniel to not notice it himself.

-

The next few days, Daniel’s schedule is lessened considerably and he gets better. Jisung and Seongwoo had voluntarily moved their mattresses to the big room for the moment, wanting to give Daniel optimal rest.

In the middle of the 4th night, Daniel wakes up, desperately wanting some water. He spots a small figure huddled at the foot of his bed.

He rubs his eyes. He must be dreaming.

“Sungwoon hyung?”

Sungwoon wakes up in a jolt. He can’t believe he fell asleep after he changed Daniel’s ice pack. “I uh-” Sungwoon hastily gets up to leave, but Daniel pulls on his wrist, causing him to stumble onto the bed.

“You can’t just ignore me ever since I get back from the hospital but appear in my room suddenly in the middle of the night and even now try and run! And don’t think I don’t know it’s you.” Daniels knows his ice pack gets mysteriously changed and a glass of water always appears in the morning, but he had always chalked it up to Jisung or the manager, until now.

Sungwoon stays silent, keeping his eyes trained on the floor. He has so many things he wanted to say, he doesn’t even know where to start.

“Niel-ah, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I said those things a month ago. I’m a fucking coward, that’s what I am. I was so focused on the group, on myself, that I ignored how I really felt.” Sungwoon grows more emotional as he talks, stumbling over his words.

“I-I feel the exact same way. When you collapsed, I was so fucking scared. That I was gonna lose you. It somehow felt I had lost you before, and it hurts, it hurts so badly. God, I love you so much and I can’t bear to lose you.”

Daniel’s eyes widen at Sungwoon’s confession, but he isn’t surprised at the usage of the L word, only the fact that Sungwoon said it out loud since Daniel felt the exact same way.

“Hyung. You’re not gonna lose me. I’m here, always.” Daniel encloses Sungwoon in a hug.

“Just to be clear, we’re together now right?” Daniel asks the first thing he wakes up, as he smiles down at sleepy Sungwoon, snug in his arms.

“You still have to ask?” Sungwoon leans up and kisses Daniel sweetly. His soul sings again, and it sighs deeply, content.

-

On the last day of 2018, after their performance at the MBC end of the year celebrations, Sungwoon and Daniel sneak out to the rooftop of their dorm.

“Niel-ah, I’m scared.”

Daniel smiles and wraps Sungwoon even tighter in his arms. “We had this exact conversation 2 weeks ago, hyung.”

“I’m still scared. It’s too close, I’m-I’m not prepared. The future is too uncertain.”

“Hyung.” Daniel lets go of Sungwoon only to clasp his face, up turning Sungwoon’s face to meet Daniel’s gentle gaze.

“Whatever happens in the future, just know I love you. We may fight, we may not see each other for weeks, but being not together isn’t an option for me.” Daniel leans down to kiss Sungwoon softly on the lips.

Sungwoon smiles into the kiss, knowing that despite all these unknown challenges, everything’s going to be fine. They have a lifetime, together, to figure it out.

 

**Author's Note:**

> this OTP has me so whipped so fast, I'm really gonna miss them TT gonna just have to live vivaciously through fics then TT
> 
> any comments would be really appreciated, even if it's just incoherent keysmash haha


End file.
